When I was 15, I left the Baptist church I grew up in. There were several difficult things going on in my family life. One would think that would pull you closer into the church, but when you aren’t met with love, support, and non-judgement from your church family, it tends to push you away.
I was baptized at 8 years old and I grew up asking all sorts of questions about God and Jesus. This wasn’t because I wanted to be argumentative, but because I wanted to know more and understand.
I took all of the Wednesday children’s church challenges seriously: I memorized all of the books of the Bible in order, I memorized the assigned verses, and the Ten Commandments. I attended Vacation Bible School, and participated in mission projects we did in our community like Disciple Now and Jerusalem Project.
I wanted to be all in, and physically I was.
But there were so many things that didn’t sit right with me. There was a Bible verse that I had memorized when I was about 10. Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I remember thinking, “Then what’s the point? If who I am on Earth will always fall short to God, then why are we here, and what are we doing?”
I assume this verse was given to us children to teach us about our inherent sinful nature, but all it said to my child mind was, “You’ll never be good enough.”
As an adult, and reading further on for context, I see that the verse that followed is Romans 3:24 which states, “and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
They probably could have added that part.
When I became a teenager, I remember looking at the other kids in my youth group. They seemed to have so much faith. They held their hands up in the air during worship with hopeful abandon, and didn’t seem concerned with anything else around them. They didn’t question. They listened to the lessons and applied them to their lives. No fuss no muss.
I wanted to be like that. But, like I said, I questioned- and most of my questions were unwelcome and met with responses like, “You need to have more faith.” I felt like I was wrong in some way. Or maybe just an awful sinner who will always fall short.
I began to wonder if the faith that I had was genuine faith, or if it was because I was afraid to not believe what they were teaching. The rhetoric was heavy on the “You have to believe and be saved or you’re going to Hell.” “Our number one mission is to save every non-believer from Hell.”
At the last Wednesday night youth service I attended at 15, the newest youth pastor sat on a stool onstage. He looked out at my peers and I and said “You need to bring more friends to church, the Lutherans are beating us out in saving people,” and had a little laugh.
I was floored. I was raised in a church where, let’s be honest, eternal salvation for yourself and for all the delinquents, freaks, and whoever else didn’t fit into the typical tidy holy social box was the utmost priority.
Forget about connecting with God, sanctification, Christian growth, spirituality, and deeper understanding of scripture… let’s beat out the Lutherans in how many people we can save!
So I left, and didn’t step foot into a church for about 7 years.
During that time, I still felt connected with God. I learned about spirituality and inner being (things that weren’t talked about in my home or church). I learned about meditation and Divine presence. I learned about non attachment, non judgement, and being in the present moment with the Creator.
I wondered why these deeper spiritual practices weren’t taught in churches or talked about in Christianity, when I was finally experiencing the peace, joy, love, and the other ‘fruits of the spirit’ the Apostle Paul talked about.
Fast forward to almost 10 years ago- my family was living in my parent’s basement to save money while my husband finished his degree in Civil Engineering. I had been working as a Cosmetologist for 6 years until I had our daughter and made the choice to stay home with her during the week (also to save money because childcare cost is wild).
A few years later, our daughter was 3 and I was pregnant with our son. We began attending a local Non-Denominational church. I started a weekly intensive Bible Study with a group of women who were all older than me by at least 15-30 years.
I really enjoyed the Bible Study. It was very in depth, and helped me learn how to look more closely at scripture. I got a copy of Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance, which is a book that has every word in the Bible with its Hebrew and Greek translations.
I went all in.
I studied saints and Christian Mystics. I was interpreting scripture at home through the week, and when we would meet in the group and watch the video for that week I was surprised to find that I had come to some of the same interpretations as the woman in the videos we were watching (although I never shared this with the group).
One day during a meeting, I shared a quote that really spoke to me which said, “See the light in people, and treat them as if that’s all you see.”
A woman who was leading the group said, “That’s a nice quote, but maybe don’t use the word ‘light’, because some people don’t have the light in them.”
I was floored, again.
I am familiar with the belief that other people don’t “have God in them” unless they “ask God to be in their heart.” I was taught this same belief.
Now, however, I simply can’t bring myself to believe that statement. I believe everyone has God (Creator, Divine, etc) in them, but either aren’t always aware or it’s been forgotten.
The Hebrew word for God is referred to as the Tetragrammaton: יהוה (from right to left it is read as Yod – Heh – Waw – Heh).
The letters in Hebrew are soft, and open sounds that sound like the rhythm of breathing, which is considered a symbolic meaning that God’s name is woven into the very act of breath and life itself.
Knowing this very fact, it is difficult for me to look at others, knowing that they are breathing the same name of God, and think or tell them they are separate from me and separate from God.
You can’t gatekeep God.
This situation, as well as a few other experiences made me feel like I wasn’t in the right place again.
After I had my son, I experienced Post Partum Depression and was having an onset of extreme social anxiety. Consequently, we stopped attending the church.
I was losing hope in general, and losing hope that I would find a church or denomination that fit me and my family.
When my husband graduated college, we moved to his hometown. From 2018 to 2020 we lived in a camper with our five year old and two year old while we built our house on his family road.
Shortly after that time, an unhealthy friendship I had for 8 years fell apart.
I was very alone, dealing with depression, and severe anxiety, and C-PTSD symptoms from a traumatic accident, which is another story for another time.
My children were enrolled in Elementary School, and I got a job at a Methodist Preschool where I worked as my friend’s assistant. I loved it. I enjoyed working with kids, lesson planning, and the creativity it took to engage toddlers and preschoolers in lessons about God, and supporting their developmental needs.
It pulled me out of my anxious mind.
I decided to go back to school for education and eventually got my Associates Degree in Early Childhood Care and Education in May of 2025.
While I was working at the preschool, I was still searching for a church that fit my family and I, but the churches around me weren’t where I wanted to be: Baptist, Church of God, Methodist (separated from the ‘United’ over equality conflict with LBGTQ+ community). I don’t have any hate for any denominations, they just aren’t for me.
On a whim one night, I decided to take an online quiz on what denomination my beliefs matched the best (link in FYOT). I got the result ‘Episcopal.’
I had never heard of Episcopal before, but it turned out there was an Episocpal Church that was less than ten minutes away from us.
I started watching the videos at home of their services, and admit that I was apprehensive.
It was a very traditional service. The priest was a woman, which was interesting and encouraging. There were two people sitting at the front right of the church who walked in carrying a cross, and wore long white robes. They read scripture several times and the congregation read words aloud together.
Growing up, and in my experience as an adult, this was such a different service to watch. Other churches I’d attended did worship at the beginning and end of service with a full band at the front of the church and a light show. The (male) pastor preached the rest of the time with an altar call sandwiched in.
There, they were reading and responding. They lit candles, and said the Nicene Creed. They recited the Lord’s Prayer, and took communion every Sunday with the options of real bread and wine or a blessing.
When the Priest quoted a mystic in her sermon one Sunday, I knew I needed to go. So, I dragged my husband (who was all but done with the church experience), and we tried it out. We were met at the end of service with coffee, snacks, and fellowship.
I had never felt more at home in a room full of strangers.
We’ve been attending for three years now, and were received into the Episcopal Church November 17th, 2024. The same day my children decided to be baptised by Bishop Robert Wright.
(Being Received/Children’s Baptism, Nov. 17, 2025)
There, people were not gatekeeping God. Their doors and arms were open to anyone seeking a relationship right where they were. No change needed. No shame needed. No questions asked.
They were human, and I was allowed to be human. And seen as part of the Divine.
Being human, there are mistakes made and egos involved, but finding a church home is a lot like being in a relationship. You have to find one you are willing to stick by and work through difficulties with, because there is no perfect church like there is no perfect person.
In a book about relationships called Eight Dates by John Gottman he talks about differences in relationships.
He states, “Ultimately your differences can enrich the relationship if you can understand and accept them… It’s not about finding your idealized mate, your other half, or your alter ego. Our partners don’t always have to think like we think. That’s what makes life interesting- it would be boring to be married to yourself. In fact, that’s called being single.”
When I first heard this I immediately thought about the church structure. When our churches and communities are turned inward and looking out to protect our own ideologies, beliefs, and opinions- they are just in a relationship with themselves.. (Luke 6:32-45, I want to note that when Jesus says ‘sinners’ in these verses he is using the Greek word ἁμαρτία, or hamartano, which translates as ‘to miss the mark’).
I’ve learned that my questioning mind is a gift. My desire to learn and understand is a desire to grow closer to God, not a lack of faith. I learned that there is a space in Christianity where deep spiritual growth exists and is welcome.
I long for the in-depth conversations that pull you deeper and challenge understanding. I learned there is a space where the mystery of the Divine can also exist without the need to put it into a box.
Faith doesn’t need to be defended, it needs to be lived and breathed.
It is about being present and recognizing that the Divine breath is always present and moving through all of us.
Even when we disagree or miss the mark.
God is not confined to one way of understanding.
Like our breath, God is already here- within us, between us, sustaining us, guiding us.
“Doubt is but another element of faith.” (St. Augustine)
“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.” (Rene Descartes)
“Great Doubt: great awakening. Little Doubt: little awakening. No Doubt: no awakening” (Ancient Zen saying)
Follow Your Own Threads (FYOT):
Luke 6:32-45 NASB – If you love those who love you, what – Bible Gateway
Quotes from Christian Mystics | Traveler in the Mist
https://www.family2000.net/ChristianDenominationAlignmentQuiz
[Side note: You will likely not agree with everything I say or believe, and that is alright. I know it is difficult to hold space for opposing views. That is why when we see or hear someone who doesn’t think or believe the same as us our fear takes over and puts us into hypervigilance and self preservation mode. If my statements or any statements in the future cause any readers to have an emotional reaction- I invite you to try and breathe through it and practice allowing space. Faith isn’t defensive and it doesn’t need to be. If your faith feels like it needs to be defensive- maybe you’ve fallen into fear.]
Woven In Wonder 
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